CarouselChronicles

Wednesday, July 26, 2000

Well, a lot has happened since I last wrote. I had my surgery. I am now a C cup. It's really, really wierd. I've had very little pain. It's amazing how non-traumatic the whole thing was compared to what I was expecting. The night before my surgery I couldn't stop thinking about that German family from my book, Witchcraze. So this entire family is accused of witchcraft and horribly tortured before being executed. The part that I couldn't stop thinking about was when they were all on a scaffold and the torturers cut off the mother's breasts. Yeah, just right there in front of everyone. They tore away her top and cut her breasts off and then rubbed the bloody breasts all over the faces of her children. Then they were paraded through the streets of the town in a dog cart so that everyone could have their chance to curse and rebuke the supposed witch family. It's a wonder really that she didn't die quickly from her hemorrhaging chest cavity. But not me. I sailed through my surgery like a little trooper. Everyone comments on how well I'm doing. There's really been very little pain. I am pleased with how I look, except for the scars. I look like a big Frankenstein with the scar on my abdomen. I'm going for some scar revision. I am. This year is all about making money and paying off bills. I'm so tired of being in the red. I visualize myself in a nice, big house surrounded by everything I need. Beautiful gardens, delightful furnishings, lots of books and gadgets and linens, gorgeous children, and an adoring husband. Who is not SB. Okay, so no one was available to come to my get-together on the 15th. Everyone had someplace else to be. So, I figured oh, well not meant to be, right? Well, I called SB and he was like, well I'll still come up. So, he comes and we went to the Queen Mary and it was too much to just walk around. Instead, we went to the Heritage Center and looked around all of that stuff. Then we ate at SuperMex and he thought it was great. We had good conversation the whole time, I think. Then we walked around all the shops and the island and I showed him some houses that I thought were great and he seemed to be enjoying himself. He paid for everything. We talked to B before we left and when we came back. He didn't try to hold my hand, nor did he kiss me. A quick hug and a "call me" and that was it. Whatever. I called MC like the next day and he's all-Well, are you guys dating? And I'm like-I don't know guy-decoder, are we? MC told me to chill and enjoy it for what it is. So, I'm all recuperating and I'm like gosh, he hasn't even called to see how I'm doing. So, of course I called him. Twice. He's all, yeah I'll come up and we'll see a movie. Great. Then he asks me for my phone number. Again! He said he was putting me in his little book. So, okay. He comes up and we go to Hof's Hut to eat. We ordered and ate and talked. I'm so out of it still. I feel like I just can't think sometimes. I kept getting up and trying to leave and he's like, the waitress is going to bring back the change, the waitress is bringing me a tea. I felt like such a goof. Oh, so anyway, the check comes and he says How about I get this and you pay for the movie? Sure, I say. What the hell? Is what I'm thinking. Are you kidding me? I'm recovering from surgery, which you totally forgot that I was having. I had to call you to remind you, and now you want me to pay halfsies? What the hell is this? I couldn't believe it. So, we finally leave Hof's and we get our tickets, and we had some time to kill so went into the bookstore. He immediately went to the restroom and I went to look at some books. What, am I supposed to stand outside the restroom waiting for him? No way, this isn't a date, we are not dating. So, I went downstairs to look at books. Let him come find me, is what I thought. And he did. During the movie, which was nice and scary, he sat away from me. His body leaned away from me. I moved the armrest up so that it wasn't between us about halfway through. I wanted to be able to squirm to make myself comfortable, which I did as always. He made no moves toward me. Then he walked ahead of me out to the car. Not next to me, but ahead. Then, just a tiny itty-bitty hug when he left. I was pretty out of it. Damn these drugs. I felt like such a moody poop. The thing is that he's not attracted to me. I don't feel it. He's gentlemanly enough, I guess. He's not at all attracted to me, though. Neither is MC. Which drives me fricking crazy. The whole time that I was thinking all these thoughts about SB, I was thinking about MC and SN. See, he did two really dorky things. The first time, it was a green light and he just sat there, until I told him. I know he felt a little embarrassed, but so what? MC could have done the same thing, but he wouldn't have let it bother him. He would have blown it off, saying Oh does green mean go? Or something silly. He would have put the whole thing in it's place. Then today, he tried to make a right turn going the wrong way on a one-way street. When I told him, he got really irritated, and tried to turn back into traffic, but the cars were coming too fast. No one let him in right away and he got mad, calling the people assholes and bitches. I was so embarrassed for him. It was no big deal, really. He's not used to driving in this area and he doesn't know how the streets go. Why couldn't he just blow it off like MC, or SN would have done? I don't know. Also, he didn't smell nice. He didn't stink or anything, but MC and SN both always smell good when I see them. And, he was dressed dorky both times. Shorts a little too short, and wearing sandals. What is that? SN wears sandals, sometimes. He looks casual preppy, though. I don't know. I just kind of wanted to make him wear longer shorts and some better shoes. And wear some cologne, too. It made me feel like he didn't take any time to look nice to come and see me. Am I just the world's biggest bitch, or what? He doesn't like me. That's that. Okay. Maybe I don't like him either. Does he like someone else? Is he just out of it? What is it? Does he not know how to date? If he's using me again, which is kind of okay because I'm older now and a lot more hip to what's going on, why doesn't he use me to learn how to date? Am I going to have to train him? I wouldn't mind, probably. SB, when you go to take a girl somewhere, any girl, anywhere, you must look okay and smell nice. No matter what. SB, man must pursue woman. No matter what. SB, you cannot keep asking a girl for her phone number and then not ever calling her. SB, you must be quietly aggressive. Is that what I mean? Take initiative. Man must always take initiative. Always. Man opens doors. Man helps with packages. Man moves chair out. Man grabs check. Man drives. Man pays. Man plans. Man leads the way. Man directs conversation. Man kisses. Man pursues woman. Now, if I can just think of a subtle way to work it into the conversation...

confessions of gd * 21:06

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