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Monday, January 02, 2006

I'm really broke. I have less than $70 to my name and no hope of getting any more $$ in the near future. Stupidly, I listened to a friend's counsel and went to my sister to ask her for help. I don't know why I let myself down like that. I've known my sister all my life. I knew she wouldn't help me. I didn't realize she would disown me, but I should have. I should totally have seen that coming from a mile away.

I told my sister my situation and she said that she would think about it and get back to me. She called me back the next day and left a long message on my voice mail. She said basically that she didn't want to know me until I got my life together. I should have seen it coming. I've always been an embarrassment to her. I don't know how wealthy or thin or well connected I would have to become to gain her respect. It's unattainable. She doesn't want to respect me. She just wants me to go away. So I'll go. I don't want to embarrass her. I don't want to be the source of her griping.

I think she's always disliked me. We've never been close. Perhaps it was my mother that set us against each other. Perhaps it was nature or the heavens above. I don't know. She's always disliked me. We've never had an easy time together. But lateley, in our common struggle, I though things were getting better. How stupid I am. I am. Very, very stupid.

She wishes she were an orphan single child. She wishes she had no psychotic mother to embarrass her. She wishes she had no worthless, white-trash brothers and sister to embarrass her. She should have her wish. What a pain in her ass I must have been all these years? What a burden for her to bear.

I can't fix it. All I can do is stop it.

My other sister was asking if I wasn't misinterpreting her response. Nope. Don't think so. It was pretty loud and clear. What a waste these last few years have been. All this time I was stupidly believing that we were overcoming our past and that we were getting closer. How stupid I am. Which is indicative. She's always made me feel stupid. She's always made me feel inadequate. She always makes me feel fat, ugly, worthless. Because that's how she's always seen me. So why was I banging my head against that brick wall for so long? I don't know. Forget it. It's wasted energy. It's the same as trying to get a guy to like you. Never gonna happen. Fuck it. Leave it alone.

Sure makes me wonder, though. My little sister apparently was telling my older sister that I have borderline personality disorder. They're all sick of me. I should just go. I should just go and leave everyone alone. Everyone's a fair weather friend. Even family. Especially family.

confessions of gd * 16:44

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