CarouselChronicles

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

I haven't blogged here in a long time. Life is bleak. I am desperate. I don't like living anymore. I wish someone would kill me. I wish I would fall asleep and die tonight. It would nice to never wake up again.

I tried looking on the internet for effective suicide methods, but they've mostly all been sanitized. Maybe room 13 will have something. I don't know. What a chore. Planning my death is another fucking chore. How tedious. I'm so bored with this fucked up life. I wish I could trade places with one of the West Memphis Three. I'm sure one of them could appreciate this totally wasted life of mine. I wish I could channel Joe Cole to come and trade places with me. I wonder if he'd do it.

Who would like this life? Life up for grabs here. Maybe I should post it in the free section of Craig's List. Now there's an idea. How could I get murdered? I could point a gun at a cop. Where would I get a gun? If I was black I wouldn't need a gun. Anything in my hand would look like a gun to a cop. There was a guy a few months ago just down the block who was shot to death for throwing an empty bottle at a cop. Maybe I could run out in front of a car. That's so risky, though. What if I just end up plegic or in a coma. Would that suck worse than this? Doubtful. I don't know. Probably I should just do the old get drunk, fill your pockets with rocks, and throw yourself off the pier trick. I think that would probably be the best one.

I wish I had a billion dollar policy out on my own pathetic life. Then at least some members of my friends and family could receive some benefit of my death. Well, besides me being gone I mean. I'm so annoying. I'm such an asshole. I'm so not worth the oxygen I use whining about my shit life. I wish I could take on someone's nasty cancer for them, or something horrible like that. I wish I could help someone out like that. My life is so fucking useless. This whole summer I've tried to connect with a guy and I've just been one big cumhole to every guy I met. I'm so tired of guys. They bore me. I wish I'd never given any of them another chance. I hope they all get as good as they gave me. That would serve them.

I'm so confused. Nice things keep happening to me. I don't know why. I need people to be my real clients. Every client I meet is full of shit. Everyone in the office is having such an amazing streak, but not me. I suck and I'm poor. I hate what I see when I look in the mirror. I hate how I feel when I wake up in the morning. I hate who I am and I hate how I live and hate how I look and it would all be worth changing if I had anything more than myself to believe in but I don't so what's the fucking point? If all I have to live for is myself, then I guess we all know why I'm where I am right now.

I'll figure it out. I'll find a nice, clean, solitary way of getting rid of myself without involving anyone else. I'll make sure I get rid of all my shit before I go. I'll get rid of everything and take care of all the stupid little details and then I'll just go. Okay? No one need bother with me anymore, least not me. Hooray.

Thanks for coming to my pity party. Enjoy the whine.

confessions of gd * 01:05

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