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Monday, January 02, 2006

I'm really broke. I have less than $70 to my name and no hope of getting any more $$ in the near future. Stupidly, I listened to a friend's counsel and went to my sister to ask her for help. I don't know why I let myself down like that. I've known my sister all my life. I knew she wouldn't help me. I didn't realize she would disown me, but I should have. I should totally have seen that coming from a mile away.

I told my sister my situation and she said that she would think about it and get back to me. She called me back the next day and left a long message on my voice mail. She said basically that she didn't want to know me until I got my life together. I should have seen it coming. I've always been an embarrassment to her. I don't know how wealthy or thin or well connected I would have to become to gain her respect. It's unattainable. She doesn't want to respect me. She just wants me to go away. So I'll go. I don't want to embarrass her. I don't want to be the source of her griping.

I think she's always disliked me. We've never been close. Perhaps it was my mother that set us against each other. Perhaps it was nature or the heavens above. I don't know. She's always disliked me. We've never had an easy time together. But lateley, in our common struggle, I though things were getting better. How stupid I am. I am. Very, very stupid.

She wishes she were an orphan single child. She wishes she had no psychotic mother to embarrass her. She wishes she had no worthless, white-trash brothers and sister to embarrass her. She should have her wish. What a pain in her ass I must have been all these years? What a burden for her to bear.

I can't fix it. All I can do is stop it.

My other sister was asking if I wasn't misinterpreting her response. Nope. Don't think so. It was pretty loud and clear. What a waste these last few years have been. All this time I was stupidly believing that we were overcoming our past and that we were getting closer. How stupid I am. Which is indicative. She's always made me feel stupid. She's always made me feel inadequate. She always makes me feel fat, ugly, worthless. Because that's how she's always seen me. So why was I banging my head against that brick wall for so long? I don't know. Forget it. It's wasted energy. It's the same as trying to get a guy to like you. Never gonna happen. Fuck it. Leave it alone.

Sure makes me wonder, though. My little sister apparently was telling my older sister that I have borderline personality disorder. They're all sick of me. I should just go. I should just go and leave everyone alone. Everyone's a fair weather friend. Even family. Especially family.

confessions of gd * 16:44

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Thursday, November 24, 2005

The next person I'd like to tell to fuck off is very much like LDO. I saw it from the beginning, but I really never knew it until just now. I just got home from a horrible evening. First of all, my Thanksgiving sucked. I didn't want to do anything since I got up this morning. I should have known. First of all, we were supposed to go to friends of a friend. I was supposed to bring champagne. So we stopped at the grocery and I got two bottles of Cooks. I don't drink. I don't know shit about champagne. I tried to ask for assistance, but hello. I was in the grocery store.

So we get to the place and our friend calls us and tells us not to come inside because the couple whose house we were at were having a huge fight. Our friend came out and was talking to us and we're just sitting in the car feeling totally uncomfortable. Then the woman came out of the house with a big bag and a little dog. She got in the car and started it and the man came out and started screaming at her and pounded on the car. He put dents in the hood and I was so scared. I wanted to call the police, but the guys were like oh no it's okay she's leaving. Needless to say, we left. We had nowhere to go and we felt like lame Thanksgiving orphans. I called another friend and she said come over so we went.

Let me just say the guy I was with is just a friend. Well, actually no he's not. He never was. But he's not a boyfriend or anything like that. He's just one of those really negative people who have to go to the bathroom on other people so he can feel better about himself. I'm so sick of it.

Things are not going well in my life right now. I'm going psycho about money. I have none. I'm working my ass off at two different jobs, but I won't have any cash until after the new year. I know that sounds retarded, but there's a long set of circumstances that I won't bother getting into here. Suffice it to say that I am fucked up. The evidence of how fucked up I am is the fact that I keep choosing to allow the same assholes into my life without recognizing the masks they wear. I should have known MP is a heartless dickhead. I did know it. I just wasn't conscious of it until he slapped me in the face with it.

So there we are driving around like retards on Thanksgiving, not having anyplace to go because I'm a total fucking loser and he has no family because he's driven them all away. So I called a woman we both know, someone who earlier that day had invited me over, and I explained our situation and asked her if we might come over. She said yes, of course. Because she likes to be thought of as a good person, even though I'm not totally convinced she is. So that's where we ended up. It was okay for the most part. It's just the whole day was very much like living out a David Sedaris narrative.

First of all, MP is an asshole. I don't know why I bothered fostering any kind of friendship with him. The only reason he was hanging out with me at all is that he hates himself and he always needs someone around to punch and kick. Which he used to do, literally. He used to constantly pretend to be hitting or kicking me. What a psycho. The whole day was tedious.

I woke up and I didn't want to go. I just wanted to stay in bed and have a day off. But I didn't want to upset the friend who had invited us. So we went. When we were in the car and almost there he pulled something out of his pocket and said it was poppers. Here's the other thing I can't stand about him. He says he hates drug addicts, but he has no problem doing drugs. What the fuck is that? He used to smoke dope all the time. He went through his meth phase. He does poppers when he has the chance. It's lame. I'm so not into drugs at all.

So I'm trapped in the car with him and he pulls out the poppers and tells me that there's an orgy planned for after dinner. I couldn't believe he was saying this shit to me. I told him to just drive me home or give me cab fare. He said they wanted to do it in front of me to see my reaction. What a fucking freak. I told him to put them away because they made him pathetic.

So we're driving around with no place to go and I suggest CW's because she'd invited me earlier. He bitched and complained about her all the way to her door. He said he thought she was a conceited bitch and that all she ever talked about was herself. He said he couldn't stand to be in her presence because she thought she was so fucking perfect. Literally all the way to her place he bitched about her. I naturally assumed that he wouldn't be coming in after his diatribe. Oh, no. He even bitched about all the way up the elevator, to her door, and as he rang the bell. Unfuckingbelievable.

CW let us in her house and fed us. The food was not great, but probably only because I come from a family of legendary great cooks so sometimes other people's food tastes very ordinary and bland to me. It was kind of her to let us in. Her sons are very cute and nice. Of course MP think somehow he'll be able to manipulate them into a gay encounter. Whatever. This is a running theme with him. He's constantly attracted to cute, straight, attached guys and fantasizes that he'll be able to get them into bed. Right. Like they're just lining up at his bedroom door.

So we got through crashing Thanksgiving at CW's. MP was perfectly pleasant as usual because he was being his fake, public self. No one would have guessed at the venom that had come from his mouth earlier. Afterward, when it was just CW, MP, and me, they each poured another glass of wine and sat down on the sofa. I didn't have any wine because I never do. I sat on the loveseat opposite them. We started out by talking about this and that, and then quite suddenly it turned into the two of them sitting across from me and ripping me apart. It was glorious.

They ripped into me about everything from my being single, to my weight problem, which I really think is absurd coming Mr. Fat Ass MP himself. They ripped into for living where I do, and driving the car I do, just about everything. They especially ripped into me about money. Currently, as you know, I am flat broke. I am working my ass off at two jobs and I am eaking out an existence. Well, these two just sat there smug and self-righteous, telling me how my whole problem is money management. Right. And just what money am I supposed to manage?

It was fucking unbelievable. Especially coming from those two bitches. Let me just paint this picture for you. He used to be an executive pulling down more than 150k a year. He's single and obviously only spends money on himself. He's got piles in a portfolio and in accounts all over the place. It's almost disgusting. He's always complaining about money. Always. He acts like he has nothing. He acts like instead of living in a charming vintage home in a nice neighborhood, that he's living in a dump in the heart of the ghetto. He's got his head shoved so far his own ass the only way to see his face would be to look through his belly button. I have never seen him deny himself anything. Whether it's spending thousands on a dining room chandelier or driving three cities away to buy a designer box of chocolates, he'll make whatever efforts occur to him to satisfy one of his whims. Meanwhile, he's got a niece and nephew who are being abused by their meth head father, but he doesn't give a shit about that. He just says that's their problem.

CW acts like she was born Queen of the world. I'll admit that a lot of times I feel like she's always talking about herself. She came from the same background as I did. She didn't go to college. She fell into Hollywood and ended up a casting director and producer. That interests me and we'd become friendly. But it's the same with MP. It's always them dominant and me superior. I don't know why. It's subtle how it happens and then one day I'm just sitting there noticing how they speak to me and it's like "fuck you". She's got piles of money, too. She acts like she's got unlimited cash, and in a way she does. She's the life partner of one of the original producers of cable network programming. We're talking ungodly amounts of residual cash. None of that is hers to have, just to use. Anyway, good for her.

So these two are sitting across from me, drinking their wine, and talking all this crazy shit to me. These two smug fucks are going to tell me everything that's wrong with me. Like it's a free fucking service they're offering. Of course, they weren't offering any answers. Oh, no. That probably cost extra. No, no. That night was only about eviscerating and disemboweling me. It was incredible. They shit all over my head. They said really great shit like that I had to just cut out unnecessary expenses. What the fuck? This is the second winter I've gone without HEAT in the house because the gas got turned off. I mean what the fuck do they want from me? Surely they weren't suggesting I fire the maid and the chef? Seriously. I just took it. I acted like it didn't sting at all. I just blew it off like it didn't matter, because they don't matter. When MP started saying that I had to just be better about money management I finally asked him what the fuck was he talking about? There was no money to manage as I had none coming in. Then he just made a snide face and said "Well, maybe you should have thought about that before you came begging me for money, Sweetheart." Hmmm.

Let me explain what really happened. I did ask MP for a loan. I asked him for 3k. I offered him not only 25% interest, but also that I would pay $1,500 to discharge a loan that he made to an acquaintance of ours. Twice or more a week he would bitch me out about that loan he made TO SOMEONE ELSE and demand that I pay it back. What an idiot. So I guess that was his way of turning me down for the loan. Humiliating me in front of another person. I just took it in stride and sat there pretending to be fat, dumb, and happy listening to them tell me how smart I am. It always sounds like some kind of accusation.

Finally we left and MP drove me the few blocks to my place. In the car he tried to apologize and say that things came out wrong. Sure they did. What's that phrase? In Vino Veritas? Out of the mouth the heart speaks? I didn't say anything until we got to my place. I got all my stuff out of the car and then I just told him that he was the epitome of a fairweather friend. He only wanted to hang out with people who had something he wanted and he couldn't handle real life. I told him I'd give him a call if I ever became rich or shallow enough to be his friend. He was really mad and he almost ran me over when he sped away so fast.

Then on Tuesday I saw him. We were in a gathering and he tried to talk to me but I ignored him. I just acted cool and I noticed that he wouldn't look at me. He asked me how I was doing and I just said fine.

There's a million different ways I could have handled all this. I could have started yelling at them when they were talking shit to me. I could have caused a scene and run out of CW's house. I could have let MP have it in the car. I could have said what the fuck do you care when he asked me how I was doing. I'm glad I didn't. It's remarkable to me now how little I care about either of them. There's some strange dynamic, some subtle dance, that happened between me and those two. They just assumed these dominant positions and it was bizarre. Life is hard still. Really fucking hard. But not as hard as dealing with those two. It's almost funny now.

I went home and cried my eyes out. Then the next morning I remembered everything I'd learned about human interaction. MP is one of the most self-loathing people I've ever met. He hates himself and yet he's incredibly both selfish and self-centered. Nothing is ever enough. He's never satisfied. He's never happy. You wonder how Ebenezer Scrooge got that way, but it's just MP's life. He keeps closing his heart more and more everyday. That's the real tragedy here. But you know fuck him. He doesn't want friends. He wants people to hate him as much as he hates himself. He wants to be pathetic and alone. So there it is.

CW is just an insecure crazy bitch. She overcompensates for her horrible insecurity by acting like her shit is grade AAA and hermetically sealed. It's not. It stinks just like everyone else's. I think she's lonely. There's an air of sadness and loneliness to her, but fuck her too.

Fuck them both. Looking back on my life I am realizing that my biggest mistakes of all have been in listening to others and not myself. One of the reasons why this all happened is that I don't feel good about myself. I feel fat, ugly, old, and stupid. That's why I keep attracting people into my life who validate that. I need to start feeling better about myself and I will. I already feel better simply by casting those two off me.

Things will get better. Or I will die. And then they will get a lot better. So there you go.

confessions of gd * 23:49

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Sunday, October 30, 2005

Let me just tell you right now that I don't know what the fuck the whole point of this blog is. I really don't. So, fuck it. I'm totally abandoning all diarist or journalistic ambitions. From now on, I will only blog all the shit I've ever wanted to say to people, but never did. How's that? It's a long, long list of shit. What do you think?

Okay, here goes...

First person I'd like to tell to go directly to hell without passing Go is, of course, my unbeloved mother. She's a horrible cow and everyone knows she eats her own shit and moos at the moon. Now then, the second person I'd like to tell to kiss my fat Irish ass on her way to hell would be a complete fucking nutjob who declared herself my best friend about 20 years ago.

Her name is LDO and she's still a crazy fucking bitch. I know what you're thinking - if she's so crazy and such a bitch what the hell was I doing hanging out with her? Well, I'll tell you.

After my father dropped dead of a heart attack on the dining room floor, my family sort of fell apart. It wasn't quite like that, it was more like an iced over lake thawing out. The ice cracked and then holes broke open as ice disappeared into the freezing black water. More ice broke apart and it was no longer and never more whole and pure and clean. It was all bullshit anyway. So then my mother married some useless fucking jackass and we moved to a new town. I didn't have anyone to hang out with. I was also terrified of dying and going to hell, you know because I'd just seen the fear and panic in my dad's eyes as he went.

I got "witnessed" to while having coffee in a pie shop. The guy was pretty cute so I went to the youth group bible study. It was an instant lifestyle being "Born Again". These ignorant self-righteous assholes offered me instant friends who immediately "loved" me. Instantly I had friends, places to go, things to do, a reason to do it. Overnight I knew what to think, do, and say. These good, clean girls talked about Jesus like it was some guy in school they had the biggest crush on, like it was some kind of illicit affair we were all having with Jesus. We were all suppoaed to be Christ's concubines or some kind of banal bullshit.

So anyway, LDO was one of those girls. She's very much the opposite of me. She's tall and has a manly face. You know that British, or Danish kind of face with the big hook kind of nose, hardly any lips at all, and a really small chin. But of course she acted like she was the most physically perfect person on the planet. She's one of those overly confident ugly girls. Plus, she's ugly on the outside, too. Anyway, she's an asshole. I realize now what was going on, but at the time I just didn't know.

She's one of those people who are notoriously late for everything. Everything. She didn't care. She never gave a fuck. We would miss movies, plays, performances, she didn't care. We'd show up at parties after everything was over and she'd be pissed that people didn't wait for her. I only waited for her half the time. She'd take so fucking long to get ready for anything that eventually people started telling her the start time was like 2 hours earlier than it was. She'd still be late. You couldn't count on her for shit. She never came through for anything. Plus, she was a bitch. She was so uppity about everything. She just had this really fragile ego. You couldn't say boo to her without having to listen to some indignant outburst about how she was so offended or insulted. She had an opinion on everything and hers was the only opinion that counted. She wouldn't even listen to anyone else. She would interrupt them and tell they were idiots and that they were talking through their ass. She was an enormous fucking drag.

Anytime we went anywhere as a group I always had to ride with her. It was like she just kind of picked me and demanded that I be her friend. I can see why now, but at the time I just was kind of numb still. I wish I had a time machine so I could go back to those moments and beat the living crap out of that bitch.

I would tell her that she was a fucking dyke and that she should just accept it. I don't know if she was in love with me, because I don't think she knows what love is. She wanted to own me. She wanted to control me. And she did for a long time. She was just like my mother but different looking so I was deceived in the beginning. By the end, I knew what she was.

She's a cow and a pig at the same time. Isn't that funny? She would be totally late somewhere and then drive like a bat out of hell to make up for it. I can't tell you how many times I thought I would die in that stupid car of hers. I would tell her in the beginning how I felt about things, but it didn't matter. My opinion and feelings mattered for nothing. After only a little while I just didn't bother. I would try to ditch her and she would show up at my house.

She was happiest when I needed her. I realize now that I didn't need her for a goddam thing, but back then I didn't know that. She was always buying me things. It didn't matter that I didn't want the crap she would buy me. If I didn't like it she would throw these huge hissy fits. I didn't get it. Now I realize that she was acting like a guy. She was acting just like one of those control freak possessive guys who are psycho. I didn't get it because she's a girl. I didn't know she's a big giant lezzie undercover.

I don't have anything against lesbians. I don't really care one way or another. I don't care what people do, as long as it's with a consenting adult. The fact that she'd never even kissed a guy should have been a big fucking hint. I just thought she was a giant freakshow. She is a giant freakshow. A giant closet lesbian freakshow.

She's horribly abusive, too. I saw her beat the shit out of her cat with a brush one time after it scratched her. Usually she was always kissing and squeezing the poor cat all the time. I hope she's still a virgin because the thought of her being a parent is truly horrifying.

Anyway, after several years of mental and emotional and sometimes physical abuse, I stopped returning her calls. By that time I had a job I was okay with and I was living in a pretty good place. I was starting to get my head together by going to a therapist. She didn't like that at all. She didn't like me going to school. She didn't like me talking to other people and making friends. When I talked about moving to a different state to go to school and be with my older sister, she fucking freaked out all over me. She started screaming and crying that I couldn't leave her and that she wouldn't know what to do without me. It was so fucking sick.

My family tried to tell me it was weird. I knew it was, but I didn't have any friends. I couldn't stop going to church because I thought I would go to hell. I felt like I was trapped. Anyway, after much drama and bullshit, I finally just said fuck it. If I go to hell, what's the fucking difference? I'm already there. I stopped returning her calls and I didn't answer the door when she came by. I sent her letters back unopened. I didn't care that I didn't have any friends. I just felt like I was a total deformed, unloved, ugly, hated, disgusting nothing.

I hate you LDO. I don't know who you are now, but I hate the you I knew. You did everything you could to stomp me into the ground. Then you turned around and tried to make everyone feel sorry for you. Like I was the one mistreating you. You are a total fucking freakshow. I'm sorry your momma was so hateful to you when you were a kid. I'm not your momma. Go work it out with her. I'm sorry you were born a lesbian and your fucked up belief system won't allow you to be who you are. That's not my fault. The whole time I knew you all you ever did was try to squash me. You tried to control what I thought and believed. You tried to control the music I listened to and the movies and shows I watched. You tried to control every aspect of my life. I realize that there must have been something inside me that wanted that. There must have been something totally messed up with me that wanted to give control over to someone else. But that doesn't absolve you of the fucked up shit you did to me. You would tell me that I was ugly and that you were the only one who was willing to be my friend. Then when I didn't want to associate myself with these people whom according to you hated me, you acted like I was an anti-social drama queen. All your mind fuck head games are your bullshit, not mine. You are the one who hates herself. You are the one who can't stand what she sees in the mirror. You are the one who hates her body. You are the one who blindly follows wherever her stupid nonsense religion tells her to go. You are the one who is fucked up. The only regrets I have are that I didn't love myself enough to tell you to fuck off the day I met you. I wish I'd let myself just be alone in the darkness of my world rather than let you in. I still hate you for all the hateful shit you said and did to me. Years of therapy haven't completely washed all your stink off me.

But I guess I should thank you, too. I should thank you for all the lessons you taught me. I am in control of myself. I am in control of my life. It's up to me to work out my beliefs and I have. I should thank you for helping me to recognize your ugliness in others. I can see them coming now. I sniff out the little signals of manipulation and controlling behavior. Thanks, LDO. Thanks for alerting me to what bullshit Christianity is. Thank you for showing me by bad example what true friendshitp is supposed to be. Thank you for putting me through hell so that I could know that I really do love myself and that I really am a worthwhile person.

Okay now, be sure to stay the fuck away from me forever.

confessions of gd * 22:24

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Wednesday, August 10, 2005

I went to MP's house for a spirit circle. It was amazing. The medium told us to invite the people who've crossed over that we wanted to hear from. I invited my Nana, my grandmother. I also invited my dad, my grandfather, a friend who'd recently passed, and Joe Cole.

The medium always says the less he knows, the better. So I didn't tell him anything. He didn't know who I'd invited, he didn't know anything about me. It was amazing. There were six of us and he started with MP's sister. It was like an intervention from the spirit world. Her mom spoke through the medium and her two dead children came through and forgave her. They'd both been born addicted and one died just after. The other was born severely deformed, blind, and deaf. She died before her 8th birthday. She was so cute, that little girl. At first she was in the kitchen making noise and then she came out and was being very flirtatious with everyone.

I won't bore everyone with the details. I'll just say that Tim Braun is the most amazing medium and that everyone had someone come through. He told me five people were there to see me, but only three of them could he speak for because MP's sister was having her spirit intervention. My Nana came through. She told me a lot of things, mostly that she loved me and for me to believe in myself. Pretty generic, right? Except that she went on to say thank you for the flowers. She placed a bouquet of roses in my lap and he asked me why I had given her dead flowers. She said that in the spirit world the colors are brighter and everything is more vibrant, but that the spirit bouquet she was giving me still didn't compare to the roses I had given her.

No one understood. They thought he got it wrong. When my Nana was dying in the convalescent hospital, she had advanced Alzheimer's. She couldn't speak, she could only scream if she was agitated or uncomfortable. Everyone kept bringing her flowers, but they would wilt and rot in the vase because of the heat. I knew the fucking staff was turning off the air-conditioning after visiting hours were over. She would get so upset at the dead flowers because the stupid lazy staff wouldn't even bother getting rid of them. So I told everyone to stop bringing her flowers and I bought a bouquet of silk roses that looked real. I put them in a vase for her and she was happy. Well, she stopped screaming at least.

No one knows about that except my family, and I only still speak to a few of them. The way she was talking, the words she used, the phrases, the pet name she called me, it was her. She spoke through him and I will never be able to thank him enough. The other person who came through was my friend C. I used to work with her and she was very motherly towards me. She'd just passed a little while ago and I had been thinking of her for a few days and meant to call her before I found out that she'd passed. I was so sad. I felt like such an asshole that I didn't call her when she was on my mind. I know better. She came in and put her arms around me and kissed me. She told me it was okay and to not be hard on myself. She said she knew that I loved her and that I didn't have to be sorry. He described her and I knew it was her and I knew what she was talking about even though no one else did.

The last person who came through for me said he did not know me in life. Tim described him as lanky and handsome. He said "He stands behind you like this (he stood up, spread his legs a little, and crossed his arms with his hands under his armpits and his thumbs still out), and he says that he's been invited and he has something to say". He said that he was partly responsible for his crossing over. Tim described feeling suddenly thrown out of his body. He described panic, darkness, and shattering. He said the back of the head, my head, my god, and then running. He said he was running, running through the house. He was pointing to himself, and shaking his head no. Tim said that meant he felt partly responsible for bringing himself over. Then he said, "Look at your skin. You're caucasian, you don't play where you don't belong."

When the medium has to describe the physical death of someone he is speaking for, he experiences the death himself. The spirit circle was incredible, but we only got most of it on record. He was too tired to continue. Some of the most important stuff was after we turned off the tape recorder, of course. He said that he felt another next to him when was shot. He was blown out of the body and ran. He and another ran through a house and into a dark street or alley way. He said the other was just in front of him but out of reach. Then he looked away and pursed his lips. He said to me, without looking at me, "He's always with him. He's with him."

I couldn't sleep that night. I keep listening to that part of the recording over and over again. I was disappointed that my dad didn't come through. He told me that there was a man who was keeping others in order and who led the little girl out from the kitchen and into the circle. I think that was my dad, it's so like him. My sister and I had a private session. Almost the whole time it was my dad speaking. My Nana came through again, and my Auntie Babe, but they all spoke mostly to my sister. My dad got down on his knees in front of me and asked my forgiveness. He said he was so sorry that he'd broken my heart and that he loved me. He said I was his little girl and that not to worry, everything would be okay, and that I was a success.

I'm going again. As incredible and amazing as it was, I have to go again. I have to hear from Joe Cole. I have to know if he knows who killed him. I have to know if it's him who visits me. I have to know why and what it all means. I have to hear from him again. I just have to, that's all.

confessions of gd * 23:26

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Thursday, July 14, 2005

This blog sucks. I'd forgotten that I'd intended to write about what went before. Life has been hard. It's hard to find time to write. I will find time. I will write what went before. It's the only way I know to keep the carousel music away.

I will tell you about the preachers and the teachers and the liars and the haters and the lovers and the brothers and sisters. I will tell you about all of them. I will tell you about all of it.

confessions of gd * 12:55

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Sunday, January 09, 2005

K is kind of an asshole. I go back and forth between wanting to slap her and feeling sorry for her. I can't wait for her to leave. I've already been confronted with two other people who need housing. I'm so tempted to open up my little house to them, but at what cost? The price is too high. I can't afford to give a piece of myself away like that.

Did I ever tell you about EM? What a nut. I met her when I was working in the ER. Her energy was so intense. Looking back, I can see that she was almost manic. It didn't take her long to move in with me. What pissed me off about her, about all these people who always end up on my sofa, is that everyone likes them so much. I don't mean it that way. It's not like I wanted people to dislike them. It's just that everyone, especially the sofa surfer had this attitude like she was so fantastic I was obligted to serve her. Each one of these people who've ended up freeloading on my sofa had this attitude of entitlement.

They all move in, take over, cause problems, get snooty with me, and then finally flounce out in a huff. Good riddance.

Why do I attract these people? What is it in me that draws them near? I don't know. I feel so bad for G and J but there's just no way I can invite them to stay.

I need to get steady employment. I need to get myself stable.

I was going to tell you all about EM, but she bores me. I can't be bothered now. It all seems like a long time ago. It was.

confessions of gd * 15:47

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Monday, November 08, 2004

Life is a little hard right now. I had an appointment with my therapist today. I only paid her two sawbucks because that's all I had. Everyone I know I owe. I have to pull some escrows out of my ass and take flight. She said to cut the dead weight off me. I would really like to. How, how, how?

Sometimes in the ED I would see patients that had necrotic tissue on their body. Their feet or toes would be dead, and it just looked kind of like tree bark. They would be in denial of the situation, and the doctors would have to explain that in order to save the rest of the limb they would have to amputate the necrotic tissue. Then surgeon would come by with his rainboots on and they would get the party started. I have to cut off the dead weight. As soon as I recognize what it is, I'm cutting it off.

Slept with a really nice guy last night. Would like to see him again. Probably never will.

confessions of gd * 14:06

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