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Monday, May 31, 2004

Well, I did warn you all that I'd thought of putting certain diary entries in here. I just like to have Joe Cole's name out there in the universe as much as possible. It's important that he not be forgotten. I don't know what the connection is between us, maybe all that LSD he and Levine did, maybe the theory of genetic memory is true. I don't know. I call him to me all the time and sometimes I think he speaks to me even in lucid moments. It's nice. I have a friend with me always. I talked to a palm reader a few weeks ago and she said that I had strong contact with my spirit guide. Maybe that's Astral Joe Cole. I'm sure someone as pure as he would be chosen to guide. At least until Henry Rollins passes. I must admit that's a small fear I have. I'm afraid that something will happen to Henry Rollins and in that moment I'll lose them both. I won't speak it into being. I just experience this life on a daily basis. One day, I'll be able to experience it on an hourly basis, and then if I study hard and am open, I'll experience it moment by moment. The web of life unfolds moment by moment and in the thought the moment is formed. Think of me in bliss, and I think of the world in splendor, and in that moment our reality is formed and our experience is born.

confessions of gd * 16:43

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Friday, May 21, 2004

HERE IS ALL THAT I CAN REMEMBER OF A SONG MY FRIEND WROTE ABOUT JOE COLE. THEY BOTH PLAY IN GOD'S GARDEN NOW.

I have a new friend. His name is Joe Cole. I can ask him anything. He never lies to me. I asked him why I hurt. I asked him what it means. He said it was all an illusion. He said we live in a dream. Joe Cole. I miss you, Joe Cole. Joe Cole, I miss you. Joe Cole, I miss you. Joe Cole.

I asked him where he came from. He said I called him to me. I asked if I could go with him. He said eventually. I asked him not to leave me. He said I was all I need.Joe Cole. I miss you, Joe Cole. Joe Cole, I miss you. Joe Cole, I miss you. Joe Cole.

I walked alone on the beach. I walked among the trees. I called out for Joe Cole. He came back and talked with me. I asked him why it happens. I asked him when I’d be free. He said when the lesson was over he’d come back for me. Joe Cole. I miss you, Joe Cole. Joe Cole, I miss you. Joe Cole, I miss you. Joe Cole.

confessions of gd * 00:22

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Thursday, May 20, 2004

September 3, 1999

Well, life seems a little different, but then again, just the same. I am now working day shift, from 0800-1630. I like it. It's a good thing. I try to take a lunch with A. I can use the computers downstairs. Everyone seems more professional during the day. I am going to school three nights a week. MC is in my History class, which is really kind of strange, but a good thing because he lets me borrow his book. I am, of course, broke. I am still waiting for my history book and I've just discovered that there are two more books that I need to purchase for my Abnormal Psychology class. My AbPsych professor's name is Henry Moore. How funny is that? I am so sad tonight, and I'm just not sure why.

I had to register a woman today (or should I say girl?) who was going upstairs to have a voluntary abortion. Normally, I just grin and bear it with these stupid women. I just say to myself that there are myriad reasons why she is doing what she is doing and that she cannot possibly know, nor care, that I would give anything to be in her position. Of course, if I were in her position, I'd still never really be in her position, because I would never voluntarily choose to abort my baby. No matter what. No matter if it was the product of rape, nor incest. No matter if I hated it's father or if it had a scant chance of viability. No matter if the geneticist or endocrinologist could factorily provide evidence of impending malformation and retardation. I just couldn't. Even if my own life was at risk.
These women sit in front of me and for some reason they feel the need to explain, or justify, or defend themselves to me. I don't know why. I don't want to know how they come to that place. I don't care what is going on in their lives. One woman felt the need to explain to me that if she was pregnant with only one baby, she could handle that. She could well afford a nanny and all. But twins! Well, that was just too much to be expected from her, wasn't it? It wasn't her fault it was twins. It wasn't as if she'd been on infertility treatment. Hell, she hadn't intended to become pregnant at all. But, accidents do happen. No, she simply was too young, too busy, in too crucial a place in her career, to be expected to actually give birth to twins! Two babies would mean that she would actually have to help the nanny, wouldn't it? Did I ask her any of this? No, I just wanted to see her fucking insurance card.

It is so strange how one minute I can register a woman who is handing over thousands of dollars for infertility treatment in the hopes of having a chance to create life with someone and pass on their genetic material. The next minute, I am registering someone who is selling her eggs or womb in order for this to happen. Then there are the happy little couples who come beaming in, hand in hand, fresh from that stupid birthing class for couples. Their faces are all aglow and they still have their stupid name badges on-"Hi, we are Brad and Kimberly Jones"! They want to give me all kinds of details about their lives, too. What is it with all these people? Did I ask if this is your first baby? Do I want to know how long you've been married? No, I just wanted to know your stupid due-date and your mother-in-law's area code, dammit.

Today, though. Oh, today I had to register a woman for a d&c/undesired pregnancy. It would have been fine, except that she began to cry and talk about how ashamed she was. She started talking about how she would have to carry this secret forever, and that she had never kept such a secret from her mother. She just started to tell me all kinds of things and started talking about sin and forgiveness. I didn't know what the hell to do with her. I just reminded her that when Christ died for her sins they were all future sins, so I knew that this would be covered, as well. After she left, I called the OR nurse and told her what happened. She assured me that they would give her pre-procedure counseling. What a load of crap. She must have stepped off the elevator and right onto the gurney because I checked the times. Sure, God will certainly forgive her the abortion, but will He forgive me for continuing to facilitate them? No wonder I will never be blessed with a child. No wonder.

Then there was that horrible couple fighting over their little girl. What a pair. How can people create life with people they hate? How can people be married to people they hate? I don't know how they do it. How can someone lay down and sleep next to people they secretly wish would just fade away? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I tried to explain to Michael the other night how it seems to me. I just don't see it happening for me. I think I still hope that there is someone out there for me, but I don't know if I believe it. I can't envision it. I can see myself teaching, and getting older. I can see myself traveling, and walking a dog, and lunching and shopping with friends. I just don't see it, though. A future with someone. No, it's dead blank. I don't see holidays or get-togethers. I don't see cuddling on the sofa. I don't see planning and cooking and cleaning-up together. I don't see road trips. I don't see birthdays, anniversaries, or funerals. It's blank. It's just not there.

That girl I sent upstairs had seen her baby. She brought with her a pretty clear ultrasound. It was a paper copy, pretty small, but even I could make out it's little foot and head. I think that's why she was so emotional. She couldn't reason it out and she was having some major cognitive dissonance issues. When they tell us that we can have it all-NO-that we deserve it all, it seems a duty to grab all you can. It seems a sin not to get it all. A horrible sin to let anything slip away from us. When they tell us that we fought long and hard for this opportunity to murder our children, they make it seem that we owe it, OWE it, to all the women who were denied this great opportunity, to be brave and go through with it. They tell us that it's not life, it's just potential. Why then is it wrong to do drugs while pregnant? Why is that considered child abuse? How come when we miscarry at 12 weeks it's sent to the lab as tissue to be analyzed in order to hopefully prevent a future miscarriage of another "potential"? How come if we miscarry after 12 weeks it's sent to the morgue and a death certificate is issued? Because people are fucked up, that's why. The masses are asses, what else can I say? Everyone is a pig, a liar, unfettered filth. He must truly be God, and must truly love us. Otherwise, how could He stand to be in the same universe as me, and her, and them?
Well, now I am even more sad than I think I was before. There is some unpleasantness about. It has been lingering for days. It's not here yet, but it's definitely in the mail.

Goodnight.

confessions of gd * 16:24

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