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Wednesday, August 10, 2005

I went to MP's house for a spirit circle. It was amazing. The medium told us to invite the people who've crossed over that we wanted to hear from. I invited my Nana, my grandmother. I also invited my dad, my grandfather, a friend who'd recently passed, and Joe Cole.

The medium always says the less he knows, the better. So I didn't tell him anything. He didn't know who I'd invited, he didn't know anything about me. It was amazing. There were six of us and he started with MP's sister. It was like an intervention from the spirit world. Her mom spoke through the medium and her two dead children came through and forgave her. They'd both been born addicted and one died just after. The other was born severely deformed, blind, and deaf. She died before her 8th birthday. She was so cute, that little girl. At first she was in the kitchen making noise and then she came out and was being very flirtatious with everyone.

I won't bore everyone with the details. I'll just say that Tim Braun is the most amazing medium and that everyone had someone come through. He told me five people were there to see me, but only three of them could he speak for because MP's sister was having her spirit intervention. My Nana came through. She told me a lot of things, mostly that she loved me and for me to believe in myself. Pretty generic, right? Except that she went on to say thank you for the flowers. She placed a bouquet of roses in my lap and he asked me why I had given her dead flowers. She said that in the spirit world the colors are brighter and everything is more vibrant, but that the spirit bouquet she was giving me still didn't compare to the roses I had given her.

No one understood. They thought he got it wrong. When my Nana was dying in the convalescent hospital, she had advanced Alzheimer's. She couldn't speak, she could only scream if she was agitated or uncomfortable. Everyone kept bringing her flowers, but they would wilt and rot in the vase because of the heat. I knew the fucking staff was turning off the air-conditioning after visiting hours were over. She would get so upset at the dead flowers because the stupid lazy staff wouldn't even bother getting rid of them. So I told everyone to stop bringing her flowers and I bought a bouquet of silk roses that looked real. I put them in a vase for her and she was happy. Well, she stopped screaming at least.

No one knows about that except my family, and I only still speak to a few of them. The way she was talking, the words she used, the phrases, the pet name she called me, it was her. She spoke through him and I will never be able to thank him enough. The other person who came through was my friend C. I used to work with her and she was very motherly towards me. She'd just passed a little while ago and I had been thinking of her for a few days and meant to call her before I found out that she'd passed. I was so sad. I felt like such an asshole that I didn't call her when she was on my mind. I know better. She came in and put her arms around me and kissed me. She told me it was okay and to not be hard on myself. She said she knew that I loved her and that I didn't have to be sorry. He described her and I knew it was her and I knew what she was talking about even though no one else did.

The last person who came through for me said he did not know me in life. Tim described him as lanky and handsome. He said "He stands behind you like this (he stood up, spread his legs a little, and crossed his arms with his hands under his armpits and his thumbs still out), and he says that he's been invited and he has something to say". He said that he was partly responsible for his crossing over. Tim described feeling suddenly thrown out of his body. He described panic, darkness, and shattering. He said the back of the head, my head, my god, and then running. He said he was running, running through the house. He was pointing to himself, and shaking his head no. Tim said that meant he felt partly responsible for bringing himself over. Then he said, "Look at your skin. You're caucasian, you don't play where you don't belong."

When the medium has to describe the physical death of someone he is speaking for, he experiences the death himself. The spirit circle was incredible, but we only got most of it on record. He was too tired to continue. Some of the most important stuff was after we turned off the tape recorder, of course. He said that he felt another next to him when was shot. He was blown out of the body and ran. He and another ran through a house and into a dark street or alley way. He said the other was just in front of him but out of reach. Then he looked away and pursed his lips. He said to me, without looking at me, "He's always with him. He's with him."

I couldn't sleep that night. I keep listening to that part of the recording over and over again. I was disappointed that my dad didn't come through. He told me that there was a man who was keeping others in order and who led the little girl out from the kitchen and into the circle. I think that was my dad, it's so like him. My sister and I had a private session. Almost the whole time it was my dad speaking. My Nana came through again, and my Auntie Babe, but they all spoke mostly to my sister. My dad got down on his knees in front of me and asked my forgiveness. He said he was so sorry that he'd broken my heart and that he loved me. He said I was his little girl and that not to worry, everything would be okay, and that I was a success.

I'm going again. As incredible and amazing as it was, I have to go again. I have to hear from Joe Cole. I have to know if he knows who killed him. I have to know if it's him who visits me. I have to know why and what it all means. I have to hear from him again. I just have to, that's all.

confessions of gd * 23:26

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