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Sunday, October 30, 2005

Let me just tell you right now that I don't know what the fuck the whole point of this blog is. I really don't. So, fuck it. I'm totally abandoning all diarist or journalistic ambitions. From now on, I will only blog all the shit I've ever wanted to say to people, but never did. How's that? It's a long, long list of shit. What do you think?

Okay, here goes...

First person I'd like to tell to go directly to hell without passing Go is, of course, my unbeloved mother. She's a horrible cow and everyone knows she eats her own shit and moos at the moon. Now then, the second person I'd like to tell to kiss my fat Irish ass on her way to hell would be a complete fucking nutjob who declared herself my best friend about 20 years ago.

Her name is LDO and she's still a crazy fucking bitch. I know what you're thinking - if she's so crazy and such a bitch what the hell was I doing hanging out with her? Well, I'll tell you.

After my father dropped dead of a heart attack on the dining room floor, my family sort of fell apart. It wasn't quite like that, it was more like an iced over lake thawing out. The ice cracked and then holes broke open as ice disappeared into the freezing black water. More ice broke apart and it was no longer and never more whole and pure and clean. It was all bullshit anyway. So then my mother married some useless fucking jackass and we moved to a new town. I didn't have anyone to hang out with. I was also terrified of dying and going to hell, you know because I'd just seen the fear and panic in my dad's eyes as he went.

I got "witnessed" to while having coffee in a pie shop. The guy was pretty cute so I went to the youth group bible study. It was an instant lifestyle being "Born Again". These ignorant self-righteous assholes offered me instant friends who immediately "loved" me. Instantly I had friends, places to go, things to do, a reason to do it. Overnight I knew what to think, do, and say. These good, clean girls talked about Jesus like it was some guy in school they had the biggest crush on, like it was some kind of illicit affair we were all having with Jesus. We were all suppoaed to be Christ's concubines or some kind of banal bullshit.

So anyway, LDO was one of those girls. She's very much the opposite of me. She's tall and has a manly face. You know that British, or Danish kind of face with the big hook kind of nose, hardly any lips at all, and a really small chin. But of course she acted like she was the most physically perfect person on the planet. She's one of those overly confident ugly girls. Plus, she's ugly on the outside, too. Anyway, she's an asshole. I realize now what was going on, but at the time I just didn't know.

She's one of those people who are notoriously late for everything. Everything. She didn't care. She never gave a fuck. We would miss movies, plays, performances, she didn't care. We'd show up at parties after everything was over and she'd be pissed that people didn't wait for her. I only waited for her half the time. She'd take so fucking long to get ready for anything that eventually people started telling her the start time was like 2 hours earlier than it was. She'd still be late. You couldn't count on her for shit. She never came through for anything. Plus, she was a bitch. She was so uppity about everything. She just had this really fragile ego. You couldn't say boo to her without having to listen to some indignant outburst about how she was so offended or insulted. She had an opinion on everything and hers was the only opinion that counted. She wouldn't even listen to anyone else. She would interrupt them and tell they were idiots and that they were talking through their ass. She was an enormous fucking drag.

Anytime we went anywhere as a group I always had to ride with her. It was like she just kind of picked me and demanded that I be her friend. I can see why now, but at the time I just was kind of numb still. I wish I had a time machine so I could go back to those moments and beat the living crap out of that bitch.

I would tell her that she was a fucking dyke and that she should just accept it. I don't know if she was in love with me, because I don't think she knows what love is. She wanted to own me. She wanted to control me. And she did for a long time. She was just like my mother but different looking so I was deceived in the beginning. By the end, I knew what she was.

She's a cow and a pig at the same time. Isn't that funny? She would be totally late somewhere and then drive like a bat out of hell to make up for it. I can't tell you how many times I thought I would die in that stupid car of hers. I would tell her in the beginning how I felt about things, but it didn't matter. My opinion and feelings mattered for nothing. After only a little while I just didn't bother. I would try to ditch her and she would show up at my house.

She was happiest when I needed her. I realize now that I didn't need her for a goddam thing, but back then I didn't know that. She was always buying me things. It didn't matter that I didn't want the crap she would buy me. If I didn't like it she would throw these huge hissy fits. I didn't get it. Now I realize that she was acting like a guy. She was acting just like one of those control freak possessive guys who are psycho. I didn't get it because she's a girl. I didn't know she's a big giant lezzie undercover.

I don't have anything against lesbians. I don't really care one way or another. I don't care what people do, as long as it's with a consenting adult. The fact that she'd never even kissed a guy should have been a big fucking hint. I just thought she was a giant freakshow. She is a giant freakshow. A giant closet lesbian freakshow.

She's horribly abusive, too. I saw her beat the shit out of her cat with a brush one time after it scratched her. Usually she was always kissing and squeezing the poor cat all the time. I hope she's still a virgin because the thought of her being a parent is truly horrifying.

Anyway, after several years of mental and emotional and sometimes physical abuse, I stopped returning her calls. By that time I had a job I was okay with and I was living in a pretty good place. I was starting to get my head together by going to a therapist. She didn't like that at all. She didn't like me going to school. She didn't like me talking to other people and making friends. When I talked about moving to a different state to go to school and be with my older sister, she fucking freaked out all over me. She started screaming and crying that I couldn't leave her and that she wouldn't know what to do without me. It was so fucking sick.

My family tried to tell me it was weird. I knew it was, but I didn't have any friends. I couldn't stop going to church because I thought I would go to hell. I felt like I was trapped. Anyway, after much drama and bullshit, I finally just said fuck it. If I go to hell, what's the fucking difference? I'm already there. I stopped returning her calls and I didn't answer the door when she came by. I sent her letters back unopened. I didn't care that I didn't have any friends. I just felt like I was a total deformed, unloved, ugly, hated, disgusting nothing.

I hate you LDO. I don't know who you are now, but I hate the you I knew. You did everything you could to stomp me into the ground. Then you turned around and tried to make everyone feel sorry for you. Like I was the one mistreating you. You are a total fucking freakshow. I'm sorry your momma was so hateful to you when you were a kid. I'm not your momma. Go work it out with her. I'm sorry you were born a lesbian and your fucked up belief system won't allow you to be who you are. That's not my fault. The whole time I knew you all you ever did was try to squash me. You tried to control what I thought and believed. You tried to control the music I listened to and the movies and shows I watched. You tried to control every aspect of my life. I realize that there must have been something inside me that wanted that. There must have been something totally messed up with me that wanted to give control over to someone else. But that doesn't absolve you of the fucked up shit you did to me. You would tell me that I was ugly and that you were the only one who was willing to be my friend. Then when I didn't want to associate myself with these people whom according to you hated me, you acted like I was an anti-social drama queen. All your mind fuck head games are your bullshit, not mine. You are the one who hates herself. You are the one who can't stand what she sees in the mirror. You are the one who hates her body. You are the one who blindly follows wherever her stupid nonsense religion tells her to go. You are the one who is fucked up. The only regrets I have are that I didn't love myself enough to tell you to fuck off the day I met you. I wish I'd let myself just be alone in the darkness of my world rather than let you in. I still hate you for all the hateful shit you said and did to me. Years of therapy haven't completely washed all your stink off me.

But I guess I should thank you, too. I should thank you for all the lessons you taught me. I am in control of myself. I am in control of my life. It's up to me to work out my beliefs and I have. I should thank you for helping me to recognize your ugliness in others. I can see them coming now. I sniff out the little signals of manipulation and controlling behavior. Thanks, LDO. Thanks for alerting me to what bullshit Christianity is. Thank you for showing me by bad example what true friendshitp is supposed to be. Thank you for putting me through hell so that I could know that I really do love myself and that I really am a worthwhile person.

Okay now, be sure to stay the fuck away from me forever.

confessions of gd * 22:24

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