CarouselChronicles

Thursday, November 24, 2005

The next person I'd like to tell to fuck off is very much like LDO. I saw it from the beginning, but I really never knew it until just now. I just got home from a horrible evening. First of all, my Thanksgiving sucked. I didn't want to do anything since I got up this morning. I should have known. First of all, we were supposed to go to friends of a friend. I was supposed to bring champagne. So we stopped at the grocery and I got two bottles of Cooks. I don't drink. I don't know shit about champagne. I tried to ask for assistance, but hello. I was in the grocery store.

So we get to the place and our friend calls us and tells us not to come inside because the couple whose house we were at were having a huge fight. Our friend came out and was talking to us and we're just sitting in the car feeling totally uncomfortable. Then the woman came out of the house with a big bag and a little dog. She got in the car and started it and the man came out and started screaming at her and pounded on the car. He put dents in the hood and I was so scared. I wanted to call the police, but the guys were like oh no it's okay she's leaving. Needless to say, we left. We had nowhere to go and we felt like lame Thanksgiving orphans. I called another friend and she said come over so we went.

Let me just say the guy I was with is just a friend. Well, actually no he's not. He never was. But he's not a boyfriend or anything like that. He's just one of those really negative people who have to go to the bathroom on other people so he can feel better about himself. I'm so sick of it.

Things are not going well in my life right now. I'm going psycho about money. I have none. I'm working my ass off at two different jobs, but I won't have any cash until after the new year. I know that sounds retarded, but there's a long set of circumstances that I won't bother getting into here. Suffice it to say that I am fucked up. The evidence of how fucked up I am is the fact that I keep choosing to allow the same assholes into my life without recognizing the masks they wear. I should have known MP is a heartless dickhead. I did know it. I just wasn't conscious of it until he slapped me in the face with it.

So there we are driving around like retards on Thanksgiving, not having anyplace to go because I'm a total fucking loser and he has no family because he's driven them all away. So I called a woman we both know, someone who earlier that day had invited me over, and I explained our situation and asked her if we might come over. She said yes, of course. Because she likes to be thought of as a good person, even though I'm not totally convinced she is. So that's where we ended up. It was okay for the most part. It's just the whole day was very much like living out a David Sedaris narrative.

First of all, MP is an asshole. I don't know why I bothered fostering any kind of friendship with him. The only reason he was hanging out with me at all is that he hates himself and he always needs someone around to punch and kick. Which he used to do, literally. He used to constantly pretend to be hitting or kicking me. What a psycho. The whole day was tedious.

I woke up and I didn't want to go. I just wanted to stay in bed and have a day off. But I didn't want to upset the friend who had invited us. So we went. When we were in the car and almost there he pulled something out of his pocket and said it was poppers. Here's the other thing I can't stand about him. He says he hates drug addicts, but he has no problem doing drugs. What the fuck is that? He used to smoke dope all the time. He went through his meth phase. He does poppers when he has the chance. It's lame. I'm so not into drugs at all.

So I'm trapped in the car with him and he pulls out the poppers and tells me that there's an orgy planned for after dinner. I couldn't believe he was saying this shit to me. I told him to just drive me home or give me cab fare. He said they wanted to do it in front of me to see my reaction. What a fucking freak. I told him to put them away because they made him pathetic.

So we're driving around with no place to go and I suggest CW's because she'd invited me earlier. He bitched and complained about her all the way to her door. He said he thought she was a conceited bitch and that all she ever talked about was herself. He said he couldn't stand to be in her presence because she thought she was so fucking perfect. Literally all the way to her place he bitched about her. I naturally assumed that he wouldn't be coming in after his diatribe. Oh, no. He even bitched about all the way up the elevator, to her door, and as he rang the bell. Unfuckingbelievable.

CW let us in her house and fed us. The food was not great, but probably only because I come from a family of legendary great cooks so sometimes other people's food tastes very ordinary and bland to me. It was kind of her to let us in. Her sons are very cute and nice. Of course MP think somehow he'll be able to manipulate them into a gay encounter. Whatever. This is a running theme with him. He's constantly attracted to cute, straight, attached guys and fantasizes that he'll be able to get them into bed. Right. Like they're just lining up at his bedroom door.

So we got through crashing Thanksgiving at CW's. MP was perfectly pleasant as usual because he was being his fake, public self. No one would have guessed at the venom that had come from his mouth earlier. Afterward, when it was just CW, MP, and me, they each poured another glass of wine and sat down on the sofa. I didn't have any wine because I never do. I sat on the loveseat opposite them. We started out by talking about this and that, and then quite suddenly it turned into the two of them sitting across from me and ripping me apart. It was glorious.

They ripped into me about everything from my being single, to my weight problem, which I really think is absurd coming Mr. Fat Ass MP himself. They ripped into for living where I do, and driving the car I do, just about everything. They especially ripped into me about money. Currently, as you know, I am flat broke. I am working my ass off at two jobs and I am eaking out an existence. Well, these two just sat there smug and self-righteous, telling me how my whole problem is money management. Right. And just what money am I supposed to manage?

It was fucking unbelievable. Especially coming from those two bitches. Let me just paint this picture for you. He used to be an executive pulling down more than 150k a year. He's single and obviously only spends money on himself. He's got piles in a portfolio and in accounts all over the place. It's almost disgusting. He's always complaining about money. Always. He acts like he has nothing. He acts like instead of living in a charming vintage home in a nice neighborhood, that he's living in a dump in the heart of the ghetto. He's got his head shoved so far his own ass the only way to see his face would be to look through his belly button. I have never seen him deny himself anything. Whether it's spending thousands on a dining room chandelier or driving three cities away to buy a designer box of chocolates, he'll make whatever efforts occur to him to satisfy one of his whims. Meanwhile, he's got a niece and nephew who are being abused by their meth head father, but he doesn't give a shit about that. He just says that's their problem.

CW acts like she was born Queen of the world. I'll admit that a lot of times I feel like she's always talking about herself. She came from the same background as I did. She didn't go to college. She fell into Hollywood and ended up a casting director and producer. That interests me and we'd become friendly. But it's the same with MP. It's always them dominant and me superior. I don't know why. It's subtle how it happens and then one day I'm just sitting there noticing how they speak to me and it's like "fuck you". She's got piles of money, too. She acts like she's got unlimited cash, and in a way she does. She's the life partner of one of the original producers of cable network programming. We're talking ungodly amounts of residual cash. None of that is hers to have, just to use. Anyway, good for her.

So these two are sitting across from me, drinking their wine, and talking all this crazy shit to me. These two smug fucks are going to tell me everything that's wrong with me. Like it's a free fucking service they're offering. Of course, they weren't offering any answers. Oh, no. That probably cost extra. No, no. That night was only about eviscerating and disemboweling me. It was incredible. They shit all over my head. They said really great shit like that I had to just cut out unnecessary expenses. What the fuck? This is the second winter I've gone without HEAT in the house because the gas got turned off. I mean what the fuck do they want from me? Surely they weren't suggesting I fire the maid and the chef? Seriously. I just took it. I acted like it didn't sting at all. I just blew it off like it didn't matter, because they don't matter. When MP started saying that I had to just be better about money management I finally asked him what the fuck was he talking about? There was no money to manage as I had none coming in. Then he just made a snide face and said "Well, maybe you should have thought about that before you came begging me for money, Sweetheart." Hmmm.

Let me explain what really happened. I did ask MP for a loan. I asked him for 3k. I offered him not only 25% interest, but also that I would pay $1,500 to discharge a loan that he made to an acquaintance of ours. Twice or more a week he would bitch me out about that loan he made TO SOMEONE ELSE and demand that I pay it back. What an idiot. So I guess that was his way of turning me down for the loan. Humiliating me in front of another person. I just took it in stride and sat there pretending to be fat, dumb, and happy listening to them tell me how smart I am. It always sounds like some kind of accusation.

Finally we left and MP drove me the few blocks to my place. In the car he tried to apologize and say that things came out wrong. Sure they did. What's that phrase? In Vino Veritas? Out of the mouth the heart speaks? I didn't say anything until we got to my place. I got all my stuff out of the car and then I just told him that he was the epitome of a fairweather friend. He only wanted to hang out with people who had something he wanted and he couldn't handle real life. I told him I'd give him a call if I ever became rich or shallow enough to be his friend. He was really mad and he almost ran me over when he sped away so fast.

Then on Tuesday I saw him. We were in a gathering and he tried to talk to me but I ignored him. I just acted cool and I noticed that he wouldn't look at me. He asked me how I was doing and I just said fine.

There's a million different ways I could have handled all this. I could have started yelling at them when they were talking shit to me. I could have caused a scene and run out of CW's house. I could have let MP have it in the car. I could have said what the fuck do you care when he asked me how I was doing. I'm glad I didn't. It's remarkable to me now how little I care about either of them. There's some strange dynamic, some subtle dance, that happened between me and those two. They just assumed these dominant positions and it was bizarre. Life is hard still. Really fucking hard. But not as hard as dealing with those two. It's almost funny now.

I went home and cried my eyes out. Then the next morning I remembered everything I'd learned about human interaction. MP is one of the most self-loathing people I've ever met. He hates himself and yet he's incredibly both selfish and self-centered. Nothing is ever enough. He's never satisfied. He's never happy. You wonder how Ebenezer Scrooge got that way, but it's just MP's life. He keeps closing his heart more and more everyday. That's the real tragedy here. But you know fuck him. He doesn't want friends. He wants people to hate him as much as he hates himself. He wants to be pathetic and alone. So there it is.

CW is just an insecure crazy bitch. She overcompensates for her horrible insecurity by acting like her shit is grade AAA and hermetically sealed. It's not. It stinks just like everyone else's. I think she's lonely. There's an air of sadness and loneliness to her, but fuck her too.

Fuck them both. Looking back on my life I am realizing that my biggest mistakes of all have been in listening to others and not myself. One of the reasons why this all happened is that I don't feel good about myself. I feel fat, ugly, old, and stupid. That's why I keep attracting people into my life who validate that. I need to start feeling better about myself and I will. I already feel better simply by casting those two off me.

Things will get better. Or I will die. And then they will get a lot better. So there you go.

confessions of gd * 23:49

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